The last first date I went on ended up with a Japanese dumpling ejaculating down my new coat. So what I have to say about first dates is probably about as useful as a waterbed made of wafers.

However, even I have my suspicions that sitting sober, in a silent auditorium for three hours, with someone you barely know is unlikely to lead to a night of reckless passion. To test my theory I did what any self-respecting journalist would do: I asked 11,700 people what they thought. Thank you, Twitter.

By far the best response came from a single actor of my long-standing acquaintance who said that he would never, ever, ever take a woman to the theatre on a first date. “Though I did invite someone to see me on stage, then took them home and shagged them to within an inch of their life.” Which rather neatly introduces my first qualm with this whole theatre-dating thing: aren’t people on stage inherently more attractive, simply by dint of being on stage?

Call me shallower than a pigmy foot-spa, but whether I’m at a gig, a play or a comedy night, the simple act of walking on stage makes anyone, to quote Pythagoras, at least 38% more attractive. Leaving your date rather paling in comparison. Well, apparently not, according to A Younger Theatre’s Jake Orr, who pointed out that Jude Law in Anna Christie is a different story to Richard Griffiths in The Habit of Art.

Fine. Discounting a wayward limelight eye for now, what about the choice of play? The problem with first-date theatre is that, unless you go to the expense and effort of vetting the production beforehand, you are dangerously likely to spend your first three hours with the object of your affection watching a troupe of actors indulge in child abuse, divorce, madness, depression, sex or suicide.

Now, I’ve had some bad meals in my time, and gone to some sketchy bars, but even I’m yet to wash down a drink with a side-serving of incestuous rape. As one Sondheim fan informed me, not even musicals are safe. Take heart, however, from this intriguing tweet from journalist Eleanor Turney, who took her first date to see Spring Awakening: “Despite a first date watching rape, masturbation and lots of sex on stage, we're still together.”

OK, so you’ve chosen the play: it’s a warm-hearted tale of love and laughter, performed almost entirely by a cast of fat, wonky-faced geriatrics, you’ve taken the precaution of buying some interval drinks and now – joy of joys – you actually have something to talk about: the play. Another minefield.

As the theatre critic Matt Trueman put it, “I'm too opinionated and take it too seriously for any second dates to remain possible.” Date someone who says a terrible play is brilliant and you lose all faith in their taste. Date someone who completely disagrees with you about a brilliant play and your knickers will remain as welcoming as Fort Knox.

The only solution? Become an actor, start a band or get funny. Then you can invite them to come and watch you on stage and let nature, public transport and Durex take care of the rest.

More Upstaged

 Upstaged: Corpsing 

Upstaged: Scenery

Illustration by Narcsville.