Bonjour darlings.

I returned several days ago from a small French town called Uzes. It vas a beautiful small town in zhe south of France complete vith bull running, vin tasting und goats cheese as far as zhe eye could see. I vas staying in a beautiful apartment, my balcony looking over onto a beautiful garden und pool. (are you jealous yet darlings? Victy vas. I made her stay at home to guard my puppets- Mr hammer being metal is not allowed onto zhe plane as hand luggage in case I try und hijack zhe pilot or somezhing.)

Every morning I vould sip my fresh coffee und nibble at my goats cheese und I vould look out onto zhe pool, und I vould notice zhe same people arriving at zhe same time every day. (zhis vas a truly residential block of flats darlings- I do not do vell in tourist hotels!)

At 10.27 Le Raisin vould toddle down zhe path. Le Raisin-small, hunched, shrivelled little man, wrinkly from all his sun exposure, carrying zhe deck chair from his balcony to zhe left hand corner of zhe pool- under zhe palm tree. His little speedos only just covering his bottom (I'm sure zhe only plae, non wrinkly part of his body) he vould squish down into his deck chair und stare into zhe vater, never touching it. Perhaps he can not svim.

11.15- Le Bastard storms from his house in a determined hurricane of towels. He places three towels in a star shape on zhe ground in zhe centre of zhe sun- alvays a little too close to Le Raisin (he is met vith a glare zhat is promtly ignored) und he lies on his towel star posing to zhe sky, yelling at any unsuspecting person zhat may stand in zhe vay of his light.

11.35- Le douche duo wobble onto zhe scene. Two large old vomen in clucking like hens, greeting Le Raisin und Le Bastard loudly so zhat all zhe neighbours know zhay are friends. Zhe men seem upset at zhis disturbance of zhe peace, but Le Bastard seems to change his poses more frequently.

My second day vas my first encounter vith zhe dreaded cry of 'Oue la Douche!'. I had innocently sunned myself by zhe pool for several hours und decided to take a dip in zhe vater to cool down. Suddenly, before my big toe had even touched zhe vater, zhe cry rang out 'Oue la Douche! Oue la Douche!' as I normally have Victy to deal vith such situations, I vas quite in shock. But before I could even reply Le Douche Duo had hold of my arms und vere very forcefully leading me to zhe shower. I vas douched in cold vater as zhe vatched vith satisfaction. Zhe audactity! I could not believe it! Revenge vas neccessary.

Day three I noticed an english family vith three young boys had arrived, obviously staying in zhe flats. I made a passing comment about zhe best spots to sit at by zhe pool when I saw zhem in zhe lobby (zhe place by zhe vall just under zhe second palm tree has excellent sun darlings! You must get zhere early to get zhis prime spot! Oh und all of zhe showers in zhe pool are freezing cold- do not 'douche' under any circumstances!)

I got up early zhe next morning, set out my coffee und my goats cheese und vatched zhis delicate eco system crumble.

At precisely 10.00 am on zhe dot zhe english terrors arrived. Zhe arrived vith zheir inflatable dolphin, zheir icy poles, zheir football und zheir vater vings und camped out all around zhe pool. Le Raisin vas zhe first to arrive. He seemed not to notice zhe disturbance, simply headed over to his roasting spot, unfolded his deck chair (narrowly missing zhe arm of zhe english mother) und began to stare at zhe vater. Zhis vas fine vith me, I had no beef vith Le Raisin. Next in line vas Le Bastard. He paused in his march, staring at his spot. His spot, his sun lay covered by zhe inflatable dolphin. His head seemed to go entirely red as he marched over und vith a swift kick of his left foot sent zhe dolohin flying into a bush. He planted his towls svearing loudly in french, but vas wedged between a vater ving und a picnic basket, und had to resort to sitting up. He spoke to Le Raisin angrily who merely nodded. United against zhe intruders.

But zhen, zhe moment I had vaited for. Luckily zhe boys had not yet entered zhe vater. zhe had merely been kicking zhe football und covering zhem selves in ice cream und sandviches. But zhey had just finished zheir food vhen Le Douche duo arrived at zhe scene. I happened almost in slow motion.

Zhe youngest boy (covered in chocolate) put on his vater vings. Zhe middle aged terror reached for zhe dolphin. Zhe oldest boy took a few steps back preparing to dive bomb zhe sacred vaters of zhis Uzes residential pool. Le Douche duo froze. Both zhe old vomens eyes filled vith terror as zhey saw vhat vas about to happen. As if vith on voice zhey screamed out-

OUE LA DOUCHE!!!!

But it vas too late. Zhe boys charged at zhe vater. Zhe oldest of zhe Douche duo made an attempt to grab zhe youngest terror but he slipped from her grasp. Zhe look of horror returned as zhey saw zhe mess, zhe chocolate, zhe crumbs, zhe sticky jam, zhe mud, zhe grass und zhe lettuce zhat vas about to enter zheir sacred vaters. Vith one splash zhis delicate eco system vas destroyed, und a mysterious vomen could smile happily into her goats cheese.

B.B x