Many great men and women have spoken out on the dangers of working with animals and children.

From the classic, concise and constantly quoted "Never work with children or animals," from WC Fieldsto the lesser-cited, but equally true, “Animals and children are good for two things: eating leftover mush and dressing up in Elizabethan ruffs” (Anon). But allow me to settle this thing once and for all.

Since graduating from drama school I’ve worked in various productions that have brought me into close quarters with children. From the sublime (Bad Physics and The One Hour Plays) to the traumatic (getting punched in the dick while wearing bunny costume in Bromley). Also, for the last two summers I’ve had the privilege of getting up close and personal with all manner of critters while performing at London Zoo during their Zoo Lates season. So what’s the verdict? Are we wrongly damning these poor defenceless oiks? Well, that entirely depends on quite how closely you’re working with them...

First up: kids. Based on my experiences touring music festivals, performing in theatre tents and children’s areas, I have to say that a great deal of my research stands quite contrary to WC Fields’ negativity. As many a children’s entertainer will tell you, there’s a genuine honesty in young audiences. You’ll receive no nervous laughter if things aren’t going well and an unbounded enthusiasm when you’ve got them on board. What meets you is a direct and truthful reflection of exactly what they’re feeling.  Another great thing about “small audiences” is their capacity for suspending their disbelief and a willingness to get involved, really investing in your performance (always a plus when it comes to improv shows).

So, do children make the perfect audience? Have they been slandered for no reason but an embittered adult’s jealousy of healthy teeth and cheap tube travel? In a word: No. Unfortunately, there are some flaws that I’ve neglected to mention. While a great many do manage to stay rapt in attention, it only takes one of the little angels to turn against you, and you’re quickly faced with a bawling mess of snot-gremlins flailing around in tiny wellies, babyccino everywhere. When it comes to artistic criticism they also come up somewhat lacking. I have stood playing ukelele not two meters away from a child as they - definitely on purpose - made what can only be described as a dirty protest without so much as batting an eye. Honest, perhaps. Hygienic, not so much. 

But what about the animals? Are they not just as unpredictable and unruly? Well, yes. Yes, they are. However, and here comes the clincher, though they may never really appreciate your work, and though they may repeatedly destroy various items of props and clothing with an unfathomable amount of glee (sharing a dressing room with meerkats can be particularly trying), they look absolutely bloody adorable while they do it.

So there you have it. If it’s animals vs children, my money’s on the animal every time. Not that you should encourage them to fight. Certainly not for commercial gain. Anyway, the morale is just don’t work with kids. Unless you really want to, in which case follow your dreams. So the morale is follow your dreams.

Oh who cares, have a cake.

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Image by James Hart via Flickr under a creative commons license.